


Blind Werewolf McWolf

by Mirgaxus



Series: You are my eyes [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Hogwarts, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Marauders' Era, POV Sirius Black, Past Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, blind Remus, it's really not that angsty, magical au, seriously too many bad puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-02 20:10:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10226279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mirgaxus/pseuds/Mirgaxus
Summary: The one where universe hates Remus, but it's okay, because he has Sirius and other Marauders. Or: The one where Sirius never learns to be tactful and is just a big puppy who wants to help Remus. Or: Scenes from the first year to all the way to the sixth year.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Wereflamingo for reading through this first and pointing out some oddities! I have changed multiple scenes after that, but I hope I haven't added too many strange wordings etc.
> 
> I'm working on "sequel" to this, but it's going to be a longer one and published once I have finished and edited it all (at least I hope I'll get it done, never tried to write anything long before... I have only about 7k written now and a couple of pages of notes, so it's going to be a while before it's finished...)

**First Year**

 

The first time Sirius saw Remus Lupin, Remus was doped. Sirius didn't know that until a couple of years later and at the time he had just thought of Remus as an endearingly strange first year.

 

Sirius and James had been searching for the empty compartment after meeting and bonding over their shared loathing of all-things-Slytherin. They hadn't had luck, and when they had finally found a compartment which was _almost_ empty and had had only one boy around their age, they had rushed in.

 

The boy sat next to the window, relaxed, head thrown back and eyes shut. His robe looked second-hand and his face was scarred; so different to James and Sirius, both with their fresh new tailor made and fitted robes and epitomes of healthy pre-pubescent boys. He had a soft smile on his face and he looked like he was sleeping and having a nice dream. Only the slight turn of his head towards the door and widening of his smile when they entered revealed that he was actually awake.

 

James and Sirius flopped down on the seats next to the door. Sirius sat on the same side as the boy while James sat across from Sirius.

 

"Hey, you are not a Slytherin or a Slytherin-wannabe, right?" asked James cheerfully from the boy, their meeting with that Snape boy still clearly fresh in his mind.

 

The boy, whose eyes were still closed, pursed his lips for a moment and thought before answering. "I'm nothing." His face split into a wide smile again; he seemed pleased with the thought. "I'm nothing! I'm nobody. We are all nothing and nothing matters yet." He sighed in content.

 

James stared at the boy, and then to Sirius with wide owly eyes. Sirius stuffed his hand in his mouth to stop himself from laughing.

 

Privately, Sirius found himself agreeing with the boy: he felt like he had left his past life behind and entered a new life, where nothing mattered - not him being Black, not the expectations on him, not the pureblood society's rules. Nothing mattered and they were all nothing, and it was indeed a freeing thought, even if a little naive.

 

"Er, okay, mate," said James. "I guess nothing is better than Slytherin."

 

"Nothing matters and nothing feels nothing," the boy said dreamily. "Nothing is better than anything."

 

The train journey went peacefully after that; the boy told them that his name was Nobody, and they shared some sweets, and because everything else was so odd and more noticiably about the boy, it took them until the train had stopped and they were all outside before they realized that the boy kept his eyes closed because he didn't exactly need them or couldn't use them. At that point, it was just one minor oddity on top of everything else.

 

And it took them until Professor McGonagall called his name to find out that Nobody did have a name and was actually called Remus Lupin. The boy had started to behave more subsided by then and when a Gryffindor prefect had guided him to sit beside Sirius at the table, Sirius greeted him with a grin: "Hello, Remus 'Nobody'."

 

Remus sighed and, with a slightly unhappy smile on his face, muttered: "I prefered to be Nobody."

 

"Do you think they would let us both just drop our names and be Nobodies?" wondered Sirius.

 

Remus' lips twitched. "I doubt that. People take names so _seriously_. They wouldn't know how to handle nameless people."

 

Sirius nodded gravely, and said, "I'm nodding, by the way. Just letting you know. Hey, would you like me to make some live commentary on the sorting? You are missing all the good bits; one of the Professors just dropped her hat in soup."

 

Remus raised his eyebrow. "That's quite an achievement, since the food hasn't even been served yet."

 

"Well, since you want to be a smartass about it, obviously _we_ haven't been served our food yet. But of course you can't see the teachers' table from here, so I can only assure you that they have their food already there. There's actually a big fuss going on, they tried to get the hat out of the soup but now there's soup all over the table and-"

 

Remus snickered, but the redheaded girl beside Sirius gasped. "Black! It's rude to _lie_ to him like that!"

 

"Don't worry about me, I can see right through him and his lies," said Remus to the girl between his snickers, and Sirius fought back a smile.

 

Sirius turned to the girl and started to say to him in a very solemn voice, "I'm sorry, I know it's very serious and I shouldn't -," but then Remus had cracked up laughing and Sirius couldn't help but laugh too and then they were both just laughing until James joined them at the table and demanded to know what was so funny.

 

 

 

 

**Second Year**

 

"No! Wh- why would you think that?" said Remus Lupin and dropped his book.

 

"Because you, Remus," said Sirius and picked up the book, "are the worst liar of the Hogwarts' history."

 

They were in their dorm, just the two of them, and it was a Thursday afternoon after the lessons. Remus was packing his things, once again leaving for one of his 'highly suspicious trips to home', as James had dubbed them.

 

Remus stood there, face flushed. "Did you pick it up?" he asked awkwardly. Sirius touched Remus' arm with the book's cover and the boy snatched it back from him.

 

"No changing the subject," said Sirius in a sing-song voice. "Where are you really going?"

 

"I told you. My parents found some Muggle doctor, who has convinced them that he could fix my sight. It's a waste of money, clearly, everything has been tried already, but they'll be happy if I go and they can feel like they are doing something to help me-"

 

"I love it when you lie to me," Sirius interrupted him. "You get all twitchy and obvious about it. You sound so rehearsed when you plunge into your explanations. It's so _cute_ , you thinking you can outsmart us."

 

Remus blushed further and did his best to clear his face from all twitching or other betraying signs. He failed. "I'm not lying. I'm your friend, you should trust me," he said, trying to sound offended, but really, he just ended up sounding more guilty and ashamed and his words sounded more like a nervous question than an exclamation of indignation.

 

"Don't you even try to play that card, Mister Liar," said Sirius smugly. "Now, out with it."

 

Remus swallowed and Sirius saw how his hands were trembling. "I can't tell you. It's... Trust me it's nothing bad? If you are my friend, just leave it alone, please?"

 

Sirius looked at him. This wasn't what they had hoped for - they had hoped for Remus to admit it himself - but at least he was now admitting that he had been hiding something. Sirius decided it was good enough for him.

 

"Too late," said Sirius cheerfully and walked over to sit down on Remus' bed. "See, I got this theory ages ago." More like two weeks ago. "James and Peter were rather reluctant to believe it at first. James said it would be unlikely that the universe would be that unfair to one person, but after I pointed out that the universe had made him both the ugliest and the most stupid git ever, we agreed that the universe does have an exactly the kind of sick sense of humour needed to make my theory plausible."

 

"Wh-what's your theory?" said Remus and sat down beside Sirius. Probably before his knees could fail under him. He was pale and his breathing seemed slightly out of order.

 

Sirius leaned closer to Remus and whispered to him conspiracilly: "That the universe hates you and made you a blind _werewolf_."

 

Remus' mouth opened, but no words came out. Sirius tried to throw his arm around the boys' shoulders companionably, but Remus flinched at the touch and shoved Sirius away _hard_. Sirius was surprised, but didn't quite fall off the bed - instead, he yelped, "What the-!", and reactively shoved Remus back.

 

Then Remus had punched him and _that_ made Sirius fall off the bed.

 

Swearing loudly Sirius blinked back tears as he lay on the floor, the throbbing pain in his nose making his vision black around the edges. He heard Remus scrambling down from the bed and yelling for James, and he heard people running up the stairs.

 

 

~#~

 

 

"The others wanted to wait until you would tell us yourself, but I know you. You wouldn't have ever told us, because you are a daft bugger like that."

 

Remus swallowed. "It's- I thought you might not be okay with it-"

 

They were all sitting on Sirius' bed in their dormitory the next day. Sirius nose wasn't throbbing anymore, thanks to Madame Pomfrey.

 

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Daft. Bugger. You'd trip over your own legs before you could find and eat us, Wolfboy. Doesn't sound very scary."

 

James coughed. "I don't know, I remember him delivering rather a nasty sucker punch to you not too long ago, mate."

 

"Yeah, and look which one of us is in the worse shape now, eh?"

 

James didn't say anything to that and just looked at Sirius sideways with a raised eyebrow, which Sirius translated to mean, _Really? Tactless, mate, tactless_. Remus had blushed; he had been released just an hour ago from the Hospital Wing. The last night had been the full moon and there were fresh scars on his face.

 

Sirius hoped that the Gryffindors who had witnessed his bloody nose yesterday wouldn't think that _Sirius_ had taken revenge on him and had caused those scars on his face.

 

"And I never trip," Remus muttered. "I don't know why you would think that."

 

James was looking confused at the sudden declaration, but Sirius barked a surprised laugh. "I know. Dunno how you manage that, but it's annoying."

 

"Annoying only because you are the clumsiest person ever."

 

"Not _the_ clumsiest," said Sirius. "That'd be Peter."

 

" _I_ wasn't the one who fell of a bed yesterday and broke my nose," said Peter.

 

"I can't believe that Minnie bought that!" said Sirius indignantly. "Like something as ungracious as that could ever happen to me!"

 

 

~#~

 

 

Later, when James and Peter had left Sirius' bed, Sirius scooted closer to Remus and ruffled his hair, determined to show to the boy that everything was normal between them.

 

"We really don't mind, you know. I think it's _amazing_."

 

"Of course you would think so, you bloody berk," said Remus, but he had a small smile on his face. "I'm sorry I punched you, I- I got scared and-"

 

"That little slap?" Sirius said lightly. "Pfft. I hardly even noticed it."

 

 

 

 

**Third Year**

 

Third year the Marauders learnt about Remus' dubious coping methods when they had their first officially allowed trip to Hogsmeade.

 

Of course they had visited the town before the third year - they were the _Marauders_. On first year Sirius and James had flown there from the tower and on the second year Peter had found the first secret passage that led to Hogsmeade (later Remus told them about the Shack, but because of the complex protective spells on the place they couldn't break through from the Shack to the town for a long time). Through Peter's Passage (as they had dubbed the passage behind the mirror on the fourth floor) they had done few trips to the Hogsmeade whenever there hadn't been other students visiting.

 

There was the general air of excitement and anticipation when the first Hogsmeade weekend was approaching. Remus had been slightly nervous and twitchy the whole week, but Sirius had been in a too good mood to pay closer attention to that.

 

In retrospect, he could see that Remus had been more anxious and twitchy before that too. Since the start of the term, more specifically.

 

The Saturday morning Remus told them that he was feeling a little off and would stay behind. Sirius and James pushed for him to join them and pestered him until he gave in. As they walked to the town, Sirius had his arm draped over Remus' shoulders and he chatted animatedly with James and Peter while Remus kept quiet.

 

When they reached the town, it was exhilarating for Sirius. It was the first time they were in the town when it was this crowded, this busy: most of the Hogwart's students were there, and some of the Professors, and the streets of the little village were full of people rushing around, talking, running from shop to shop to make sure that they could get everything done and every place visited before having to get back to school.

 

Sirius unwrapped himself from Remus when he saw the Zonko's Joke Shop. "Potter, last one to the shop is a loser and pays for the dungbombs!" he shouted, but before he could set off Remus grabbed his arm so hard it hurt.

 

James was already running off. Sirius turned and saw that Remus was pale and trembling.

 

"Don't leave me," said Remus and looked scared; nobody around them seemed to notice, people kept going pass, the air was full of laughing and delicious smells from Honeydukes and the few cafés.

 

Peter, who was hesitating between running off and staying behind, looked between Remus and Sirius with confusion.

 

Sirius blinked few times and asked: "Hey, what's wrong with you?"

 

Remus' fingers pressed into his arm, and Sirius winced, but Remus didn't seem to realize he was hurting him. "Nothing, I just- There's so many- I don't know where- Please." He looked like he was working himself up to some sort of nervous breakdown and Sirius hastily took hold of his other arm in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture.

 

"Hey, it's alright," he said. "We are right here. We are not going to leave you alone."

 

Remus nodded nervously. "Sorry, I-"

 

"Nothing to be sorry about. Except, er, can you let go of my hand? Your grip is a little strong..."

 

Remus let go, only to grab his arm again instantly as if he was afraid that Sirius would vanish any second if Remus wasn't holding him down. His grip wasn't painful anymore, though, and he was trying to breath more normally again.

 

Sirius squeezed Remus arm and then let go, so that they could continue walking beside each other.

 

James had noticed that Sirius hadn't followed him and was jogging back to them. He raised his eyebrow to Sirius asking him without words, _What's wrong?_ , and Sirius shook his head and nodded towards Remus, gesturing to him, _Not now, I'll tell you later_. They all continued to walk to Zonko's and nobody mentioned Remus' strange outburst.

 

"So, err, how many dungbombs should we get?" asked Peter awkwardly to break the silence and James launched into the detailed shopping plan for everything they would need for the next few weeks. Sirius added some remarks every now and then, but Remus kept quiet.

 

Few hours later the whole episode had been pushed to the back of Sirius' mind. Remus had let go of Sirius' arm and had been more himself for past hours, although he did kept close to the other boys and was more quiet and serious than usually. Sometimes he flinched and had a hunted look on his face for a moment when somebody walked too close by him suddenly, but otherwise everything seemed to be quite fine.

 

As the last stop, the Marauders went to Honeydukes. The place was crowded and people were pushing into each other when others tried to get out of the place with their shoppings and others wanted to get inside.

 

They had all got inside when someone bumped straight to Peter so hard that the boy dropped the Zonko's bag. The dungbombs splashed with force to the ground and several of them exploded; people were shouting and pushing around and everyone was trying to get away from the smell; the shop keeper was outraged and yelling; suddenly someone shrieked and Sirius turned just in time to see Remus shoving a fourth year girl so hard that the girl stumbled backwards and hit the wall. Someone - girl's friend? - yelled angrily and shoved Remus and Remus fell down to the floor. All around the fighting people were rushing outside the shop.

 

Sirius had to shove people to get through the crowd to Remus and girls. Remus was still lying on the floor, curled around himself, hands over his head, shaking and breathing in odd, loud irregular way. Sirius kneeled down beside him and took a firm grasp of his arms; Remus panicked and tried to kick him, shouting "No! No! No-no-no-no...", although the noise in the shop covered most of his shouting.

 

"Remus! It's me! Calm down!" Sirius shouted to him and Remus stopped shouting, but was still shaking and Sirius saw that he was crying, his face drawn in pain and fear even though Sirius couldn't see anything really wrong with him.

 

It took a long time to calm Remus down; only once the students had cleared from the shop and the shop keeper had stopped his yelling long enough to notice Remus' condition and had brought a blanket and free chocolates for Remus, and the Marauders were all sitting around Remus in the almost empty, shit-and-sweet-smelling shop, Remus seemed to start to get down from his hysterics. He was still trembling and hiding his face in the blanket and the boys were sharing confused, scared looks between each others.

 

"Are you okay, Remus?" asked James.

 

Remus nodded and mumbled something inside the blanket.

 

"We can't hear you," said James patiently.

 

Remus raised his flushed face a little. "I'm fine."

 

Sirius rolled his eyes, but kept quiet. His own heart was still beating fast, and he knew he wasn't the best person to deal with things when he was scared or confused. He felt like shaking Remus and demanding to know what was going on, and that wasn't the way to calm down anyone.

 

"That's good," said James. "Do you think you can stand? Walk?"

 

Remus nodded.

 

James continued, "Okay. We should get out of the shop then and get back to the school-"

 

Remus had started to shake his head. "I can't- I can't go out there-!"

 

James looked over to Sirius helplessly. Why was he looking at _him_ for help? Sirius didn't know what to do; his only idea was to haul Remus over his shoulder and carry him back, and he didn't think that would go over too well. Maybe if they tried to stun him first?

 

The shop keeper, who had been standing few yards away, coughed. "I might be able to help. There is a way from my shop to the castle that you can take to avoid the crowd..." He saw the looks on the boys' faces and he looked at them sharply. "I hope you are decent, honourable lions and recognize you owe me for all the bother you have caused today. You better don't misplace this badger's trust on you!"

 

Sirius, James and Peter swore that they were the best and most honourable Gryffindors who had ever walked on the grounds of Hogwarts, and soon the four boys were walking back to the school through the tunnel. Shop keeper, who turned out to be a big softie deep inside, had tried to let Remus keep the blanket as well, but the boy had firmly given it back with thanks.

 

The walk back was quiet. The boys didn't know how to approach the incident. Finally, when they were almost back to the school, Remus spoke: "I... I don't like big crowds or new places. I thought today would go alright, because we had already been in the Hogsmeade before, but then there was so many people, and in the shop when-" He cut off, taking deep breaths and clearly anxious about talking about the incident. "I'm sorry you had to see me like that."

 

"But you have never been like that before," blurted Sirius out. "I mean, you were more than alright when we came to school. Heck, you were the least nervous of us all then."

 

"I- my mom used to give me something to help," said Remus. "Dad found out about it this summer and... he didn't like it."

 

"Why not?" asked James incredulously. "He wants you to get like _that_?"

 

Remus hesitated before answering. "It was a muggle drug that my mum gave me. Dad said that if I couldn't handle the school without it, I shouldn't come here at all. That it wouldn't be... good for me if I was forced to use it all the time. They had a big row about it and dad almost wrote to Dumbledore to tell him that he was going to homeschool me instead."

 

They were quiet for a while, until Peter said: "Well, you have been otherwise alright, haven't you? It was just this Hogsmeade visit that was too much."

 

"Yeah," said Remus.

 

"Is it because you can't see? Or why does it feel so bad?" asked Sirius. James elbowed him.

 

"Yes. It feels... Like anything could happen at any moment. I can't see what is going around me, I don't know where I am, if there are others around me, if I am alone or not," said Remus quietly. "I don't want to talk about it."

 

 

~#~

 

 

And that was that then; they hadn't pushed for the reason more, accepting Remus' explanation and assuming it was the claustrophobic feeling they would get themself if they suddenly lacked their sight and were forced into a strange situation. The assumption had been so strong, the deep belief that anybody who lacked sight would be completely blind to their surroundings, that even Sirius hadn't thought of how unnaturally good Remus' hearing and sense of smell were and how the boy had depended on them for years. How nobody could ever sneak up on him and how he could aim most of his spells based on his incredible sense of direction combined with his senses.

 

To think that Remus Lupin ever lacked the inner map of his surroundings or any people around him... had been ignorance on their part.

 

And so, for once, they hadn't caught him in a lie, for which Remus had been grateful. He'd tell them one day of the horrors his mind took him back somedays; he'd tell them of the fear of death that kept replaying in his mind and body on the most sudden and unexpected moments. But that day hadn't been then and it didn't come until they were all adults and he had detached himself from the memories, gained enough of the emotional distance needed to tell them about the angry, scared, mad faces of the muggle mob determined to get rid of the monster in their town; of the images and visions of his bloodlust neighbors - then he would tell them about the last things he had ever seen with his own eyes, before someone had pushed him and he had fell and his head had hit the rock in just a slightly wrong angle.

 

 

 

 

**Fourth Year**

 

"Which one do you think is worse?" asked Sirius one morning from Remus when they were both lying on Remus' bed.

 

Remus was lying on his stomach and his eyes were closed as ever, an expression of calm focus on his face. He was reading - his long, slender finger moving across the raised dots on the thick page. Sirius was lying on his back beside him on the narrow bed, bored and contemplating all at once.

 

Sirius was entertaining himself by writing on his own arm in braille - he hadn't yet told Remus that he had been teaching himself the writing system. Remus hadn't yet figured out what Sirius was doing beside him, muttering spells, waving his wand - probably only because he hadn't bothered to listen and try to figure it out. Actually, he seemed rather determined to keep ignoring Sirius in favor of his book. So Sirius kept tapping at his skin with his wand and murmuring the faintest version possible of the rather nasty hex he had found for raising warts. It was working beautifully, and Sirius arm was already covered in dozens of tiny red dots.

 

When Remus didn't answer his question, Sirius poked his shoulder. "Stop ignoring me, nerd. I know you are blind, not deaf."

 

Remus sighed. "It's spreading, Sirius," he said gravely. "First, it was only my sight. Now, it's my hearing as well... I'm so sorry, I just can't hear you anymore, please try to understand."

 

"Funny how it's only _my_ voice you have developed this selective deafening to."

 

"You have shouted into my ears some mind blowing nonsense so many times that my brains have started to tune you out for pre-emptive protecting measure."

 

"Har har," said Sirius and poked him again. "But really. Which one do you think is worse?"

 

Remus sighed again, but his lips were twitching and he gave in: "What do you mean?"

 

"Is it worse being a werewolf or being blind?"

 

Remus' finger had stopped over the book and he turned his head slightly towards Sirius. He smiled an amused smile. "Really, Sirius? You are always so beautifully tactful."

 

"That's what you love about me," Sirius purred and Remus snorted.

 

"That's arguable."

 

"What? You dare to question the reason for your deep, unquestionable love for me?"

 

"I question your whole assumption of that 'deep, unquestionable love for you'. You are impossible."

 

Sirius grinned and enjoyed that he could stare openly at Remus' face and the other boy would not be any wiser. At the moment, there was a delighful flush over Remus' cheeks, and his lips - the most expressive part of his face, although Sirius had learnt to catalogue every twitch of his eyebrows or flutter of his eyelids - were pursed in that _'Sirius, you are being outrageous and I'm finding it hilarious and maybe we are the worst people in the world for having such cheap senses of humour but I don't care_ _, let's go to hell together_ _'_ way.

 

"Stop staring at me. It's unfair," said Remus and Sirius poked him again.

 

"Answer the question, then. Or I will lie here all day and stare at you and make you uncomfortable," Sirius threatened him.

 

"You just make me feel like there is something wrong with my face that I can't see," said Remus, flushing a little more. "And isn't it obvious which one I would think is the worse deal?"

 

"Well, I know what I would think is the worse deal, but your brain works strangely, so no, it isn't obvious," said Sirius and shrugged.

 

"My blindness can't hurt anyone," said Remus quietly.

 

Sirius shook his head. He knew better than to mention how his blindness was hurting _Remus_ ; he thought about all the meals the boy sometimes skipped because he was feeling too anxious being around so many people; about how he was so reluctant to leave even the familiarity of their dorm on those days if. "That's what I meant by 'your brain works strangely'. It's not like you have ever hurt anyone but yourself with your wolfiness, either. I would pick up one night of lunar lunacity once a month over being blind _all the time_."

 

Remus kept quiet for a little and seemed to hesitate over his next words. "I'm not blind all the time."

 

Sirius turned his head and stared at him. "Of course you are." He snorted. "What are you getting at? Trying to pull some prank over me?"

 

"No," said Remus. "The wolf can see."

 

"What?" said Sirius.

 

"I- whatever part of my brain was damaged when I lost my sight, the transformation fixes it. Temporarily. That's why my parents were so hopeful for so long that someone could repair my sight."

 

"But," Sirius started and felt like the world had twisted; not went completely upside down, but certainly twisted a little into unfamiliarity. This was something that he had never even thought to be a possibility; partly because Remus had never hinted that it could be so, with all of his contributions for the ongoing 'blind wolf' jokes. "You've said you don't remember much from the full moons?"

 

"I remember some smells, sounds, feelings... visions. Not much, but I have some memories of our cellar and of the Shack. And sometimes I get dreams where I can see those places and-", Remus cuts off and shrugs. "It's not pleasant, so I don't like to talk about it. It's not like I've ever been able to see anything else than broken furniture or dark walls." His mouth twists in an unhappy smile. "It's so ironic. If I wasn't a werewolf, I couldn't have been able to see anything at all after losing my sight, but if I wasn't a werewolf-". He cuts off again. "Well, you can see why it's not something I like to just bring up."

 

"You just brought it up yourself five minutes ago," said Sirius. "I didn't even have to pester you at all."

 

Remus blushed slightly and muttered, "Regretting it already."

 

"I'm not," said Sirius and stroked his shoulder reassuringly. "You should definitely share your secrets more often."

 

 

 

 

**Fifth Year**

 

Fifth year Sirius became Padfoot, and James Prongs, and Peter Wormtail; and after the first full moon Sirius decided that if they could do this for their friend, they could do anything.

 

"Alright. Next we are going to help Remus with his lack of sight."

 

James glanced at him, not surprised by his words, but clearly not yet convinced of their brilliance. He looked back towards the Whomping Willow.

 

They were, the three of them, sitting by the forest's edge and keeping an eye for Madame Pomfrey. They didn't have to; they could have ran to the dorm by now if they had left there straight after Remus' transformation back, but by some unspoken agreement, they had instead lingered. The last night had felt momentous; Remus' gratitude and relief and relatively woundless form a proof to them that they could make important, meaningful changes happen if they put their minds to it.

 

Or at least Sirius had felt that. He didn't know what his friends were thinking. They had been very quiet after they had left the Shack.

 

"We can't cure his eyes," James said eventually.

 

"His eyes are alright," said Sirius impatiently. "The signals just don't connect to his visual cortex."

 

"Well," said James and rolled his eyes. "We can't cure his _brain_ , nitpicker."

 

"We didn't cure his lycanthropy either," Sirius said challengingly. "But you saw how much better he looked than usually."

 

James was quiet for a moment. "He doesn't get hurt by being blind."

 

Sirius felt annoyed. Why was James being so difficult? "We could find ways to help him, still. Nobody had thought of becoming animagus for him before we thought a little outside the box, right? If we do some more Marauder thinking, we could come up with the ideas for helping him deal with that anxiety of his. You know it's connected to his blindness. Or we could think of ways to give him actual visions of things - his brain can handle seeing, and he can still see dreams. His parents have been trying to fix the connection, thinking that the only answer is to fix his _sight_. But we know that sometimes answers aren't so simple and straightforward."

 

James looked at him. "This is really important to you, isn't it?"

 

"It's important for Moony," said Sirius and glared at James. "What's up with you?"

 

James shared a _look_ with Peter, and shrugged then with indifference. "Nothing. I guess you are right. We could come up with something."

 

Sirius looked between them in suspicion. "What are you two being so secretive about?" He couldn't help feeling little jealous; James rarely had inside jokes or secrets or thoughts that weren't shared with _Sirius_.

 

Peter chuckled nervously and shot James a look. James merely raised an eyebrow and looked at Sirius. "Us? _We_ are being secretive about something?"

 

Sirius glared at him.

 

James looked at Sirius challengingly. "Are you certain there's nothing _you_ would like to tell us?"

 

"I'd love to tell you that you two are irritating assholes who better come out with whatever it is you think you are implying if you don't want to be hexed right now," snapped Sirius.

 

Peter hiccuped nervously. He had always hated it when any Marauders were fighting. James continued to look at Sirius and said calmly: "You and Remus are shagging."

 

That wasn't what he had expected. "What?" squealed Sirius and blushed.

 

"You two are pretty obvious about it," declared James. "Look. We are just pissed off that you are trying to keep it a secret from us. No more secrets between Marauders, _remember?_ "

 

"We are- We are not-," Sirius stumbled over his words.

 

"Pads. You slept in his _bed_ last night. Well, not this night, but the night before- You know what I mean."

 

"Yes! _Slept_. We talked and it got late, so- That's not- that doesn't mean- _We are not!_ " said Sirius desperately.

 

James looked at him with suspicion.

 

"Prongs, we are not together," Sirius said for the last time and he really, really hoped that the ground would open up and swallow him. He had heard that it sometimes happened if the wizard or the witch wished for it strongly enough. "No joke. On Marauder's honour."

 

James' eyes widened in surprise. "Merlin's pants. Well." He coughed and ran his fingers through his hair, before looking sharply at Sirius. "Why the hell not then? It's pretty fucking obvious you both _want to_."

 

"The bugger with you... We are not talking about this!" squealed Sirius and stood up fast. "You are keeping your hooves away from screwing us up, okay? You are self-sabotaging your own love life enough, I don't want you meddling with _mine_ _!_ "

 

"Hey! No need to bring her into this!"

 

"He has a point, Prongs..."

 

"See, Wormtail agrees with me!"

 

"But you _do_ admit there is something going on? And you haven't said anything to me! We are meant to share everything, you are supposed to be my brother!"

 

"And I wasn't planning to say anything to you! Not until there was something to tell! _If_ there was ever something to tell!"

 

"Well there is never going to be anything to tell if you don't get your shit together and do something more than crawl to his bed, like, oh, _'hey Moony, I fancy you something crazy, do you think we could_ _snog_ _-'_ "

 

"Prongs! Some things are _private!_ Since when have you wanted to hear some fucking poetry about Moony's beautiful eyes or - or -"

 

"You write poetry about him?"

 

"No! It was meant as a reference to everything you have put us through with your Evans obsession! I am not sadist, so I am not going to put you through the same

even if you would deserve it-"

 

"We could compare our poems! See! We could share the pain of longing, we could coach each other-"

 

James was getting too much into this 'teasing Sirius'; he had that mad glint in his eyes which meant that he could continue this the whole day, and Sirius couldn't even tell how much he _was_ joking.

 

Sirius pointed his finger at James and glared at him. "Prongs. _Not your business_. That's my last word."

 

Then he turned into Padfoot and pounded off, and the last thing he could hear James yelling was, _"You never even told me you are gay!"_

 

Of course, not long after that, Sirius fucked up everything all by himself without any help needed, and the teasing from James changed to pitying, and James got his wish of sharing things because there wasn't much to do during the summer but be pathetic losers in love together and get drunk as often as they dared to try behind James' parents' back.

 

 

 

 

**Sixth Year**

 

When the Marauders got out of the Pensieve, Sirius, James and Peter shared a disappointed look. Remus didn't seem to notice anything; he was frowning in thought but it seemed to be only because of what they had just witnessed inside James' memories.

 

"Was this why you got the Pensieve, Prongs? So we could analyze through your 'conversations' with Lily?" he asked drily. "As fun as it was to hear again how she threw her pumpkin juice to your face, didn't you remember that we were there the first time it happened? It was just this morning, after all."

 

"I'm going to take a shower," said Sirius abruptly and couldn't hide the disappointment from his voice. He stormed off before anyone could comment or ask questions.

 

It had taken them over half a year to track down Pensieve for sale, and to get enough money for it - they were expensive, and it had taken them several sneaky trips with the Invisibility cloak to Grimmauld Place to 'borrow' some old silverware and then to track down someone who they could sell Sirius' stolen heritage to without raising suspicions.

 

They had known that there was a high probability that the Pensieve wouldn't work, but still, Sirius had been excited for it the whole week. Just a small possibility that it could have worked had been enough for him; this could have been the day that Remus could have finally seen the Great Hall and the magical sky he had only read about; this could have been the day that Remus could have finally seen the Marauders, all the other students and the Professors. He wouldn't have recognized anyone by sight, but they could have pointed them out, replayed the memory again or went to different ones until Remus had seen everyone; they could have showed him Hogsmeade, Hogwarts, classes, their own homes, Remus himself.

 

But it hadn't worked.

 

Sirius was standing under the shower when the bathroom door opened and James slipped inside.

 

"We have still the plan B," James said.

 

Sirius glanced at him and shrugged in feigned nonchalance. "Yeah. We knew this probably wouldn't work."

 

The Pensieves were filled with memories, but the people went inside completely - and as such, when they were replaying the memories, they were listening, watching, following actively with their senses... It had been a stretch, but they had had to test it out. They had reasoned that there was a slight chance that the magic behind the Pensieves worked more directly than it seemed, and all the walking around and watching was just magic's way to ease the users for receiving strange memories and that maybe there wouldn't be any real need for working senses to hear or _see_ memories.

 

"We'll find other uses for the Pensieve," said James. "And _no Pads_ , it's not going to be our shared wank bank before you try to suggest that again. Try to not brood the whole day. It's no use to tell about this to Moony and he'll guess something is up if you keep being moody for no apparent reason."

 

Sirius turned off the water and nodded. "Yeah. And we'll practice while he's at the Prefects' meeting?"

 

"Of course."

 

 

~#~

 

 

"Alright, I didn't need to see that, Pads," muttered James and rubbed his temples.

 

"Oh fuck off, I didn't send it to you on purpose," said Sirius, feeling slightly mortified even though this wasn't even the first time they had accidentally sent private thoughts or images to each other. He wasn't even sure what exactly James had seen, although certainly it couldn't have been too bad - at most some rather tame day dreaming about Remus slipping through Sirius' concentration. "And it's not like you have never showed me Evans' imaginary knickers, you dirty bastard."

 

"When I wanted you to share more, I didn't say _'hey Pads, show me your dirty fantasies of our_ _mutual_ _friend'_."

 

"Only because you were too modest to ask outright," said Sirius and cracked his neck. The headache was starting to creep in; they had been at their practice for almost an hour, but it always felt a lot longer. "But we are getting the hang of it, right? Mostly."

 

"Well I still can't do it," said Peter, although he didn't seem too disappointed about the fact that neither Sirius or James had been able to break through his barriers and flood his mind with any dirty images. Honestly, he seemed relieved if anything. Sirius had a suspicion that the rat wasn't trying as hard as he could.

 

"We are getting the hang of it between you and me," said James to Sirius. "But remember that we haven't practiced this with Moony. It could be that he has as slippery mind as Wormtail has."

 

Sirius didn't want to think of that. With all the self-consciousness and trying to keep himself in check all the time, Moony's thick barriers would probably need explosives to get through. "Do you think we should tell him and start to practice with him?"

 

"Anytime you are ready to throw your fantasies about him to his face," said James cheerfully. "Mate, you need to up your concentration a big time."

 

Sirius cringed.

 

They had practiced Legilimency for little over a year. It had required a lot of fumbling, forgetting about caring so much about their boundaries and still trusting each other to respect them enough to keep from probing around each others' minds. The sort of Legilimency they had found mentioned in the old, dusty forgotten tomes in the Restricted Section wasn't the most invasive way to use the magic - they focused on pushing gently their own thoughts, visions, into each others' minds, instead of pulling and stealing thoughts violently away. Instead of raising barriers like in traditional Occlumency, they had to focus on lowering them for each other to receive the images.

 

It was wicked sort of the magic, _'on the edges of illegal and unethical'_ like James had said, but the sort that they were sure would serve the purpose if they just got it to work like they needed.

 

If they had never taught themselves how to become Animagus, Sirius would have probably given up ages ago. But they had proved that they could do that; they had proved to themselves that if they just kept on it, they could achieve anything. More people had learnt Occlumency and Legilimency than had ever learnt to become Animagus; it was just the matter of time before it all would click in place.

 

"To be honest, Pads, I think we should tell him. Even if we got this to work perfectly between us, it would still require practice before we could find our way into his mind. Sooner we start to practice it, the better." James looked at him slyly and added, "And I don't think it would be the end of the world even if you accidentally slipped something to him. He's forgiven you, remember? You'll have to say _something_ to him one day, because if you two keep going like this, you'll get married before your first kiss."

 

 

~#~

 

 

"It's just not going to happen," said Remus sadly and pulled away. "I don't know how to get my mind more open."

 

Sirius swallowed his flash of frustration to keep from slashing out. They had told Remus about their plan and even though cautious, Remus had been excited about the possibility of being able to 'loan their sights', as he had called it. But as weeks passed, it became more and more evident that there was just no progress at all. Sirius, James and even Peter had all tried to get through him and share memories, visions, anything with him. They had concentrated on music, on smells, on feelings, but even those hadn't made it past whatever barrier was blocking Remus away from their reach.

 

"You need to want to let us in, Moony," Sirius said. "You need to relax and want it so much that you have no doubt about it."

 

Maybe if they had been doing this to enemy they cared nothing about, maybe if they had had the disposition to force themselves through without a second thought or worry for risking Remus' mind in the process, they wouldn't have needed Remus to lower his walls for them - but for this to work in a way that would be safe for everyone, they absolutely needed Remus' own co-operation.

 

Remus bit his lip and shook his head. "I can't do it, I'm sorry."

 

James sighed and rose from his bed. "I'm going to the kitchens. Wormtail, come along to carry food with me. You two want anything?"

 

"Can we trust it won't be poisoned or pranked up?" asked Sirius.

 

"Who do you think we are?" said James with indignation.

 

"Thought so. Please don't bring us anything."

 

When James and Peter had left, Sirius kept watching Remus and feeling annoyed. They were so close, but so far away. Sirius knew that it would only need a little voluntary crack in Remus' barriers and then they could chip away at it until they could get bigger and more complex thoughts across - after Sirius had managed that with James, the rest had happened naturally and it had been almost too easy to get his thoughts across.

 

Remus was sitting at the end of Sirius' bed, hugging his knees and his face was blank from emotions. Sirius knew that he was planning a grateful speech for him; something about how he appreciated how they had tried, really, but that it would be time to give this up as a fanficul dream, and maybe about how 'hadn't he told them that his parents had already tried and thought about everything'.

 

Sirius scooted closer and draped his arm over Remus' shoulders. "Do you trust me, Moony?" he asked quietly and knew that it wasn't an easy question; that it was a loaded question and he was rightfully preparing himself for the blow of the possible answer.

 

Remus was quiet for a moment, but then nodded. "I trust that you wouldn't go after my thoughts," he said. "I trust that you wouldn't violate my trust on that."

 

Sirius was certain that Remus believed he meant that; he wasn't so certain _he_ believed that it was really true. It had taken himself a while before he could relax and trust James enough, and he was a much more open person than Remus had ever been. Remus was a bad liar and usually like an open book for anyone observant enough, but he wasn't voluntarily so.

 

"I think I know most of your secrets anyway, don't I?" said Sirius lightly and nudged him.

 

Remus bit his lip and nodded hesitantly.

 

"But if there is something you are afraid to tell me and that's the reason why we keep hitting walls here," started Sirius, watching Remus' face carefully. "Just think what it is we are trying to accomplish here. Think about all the things we could show you. I could show you what your parents looked like the last time I saw them on the platform, when we were in King's Cross in September. You haven't seen them for what, seven, eight years, right? Your mother had her favourite dress, the lilac one I almost spoiled that time I was visiting you a couple of years ago. She was crying and waving and smiling so widely when we were climbing to the train. I could show you her."

 

Remus lowered his head onto Sirius' shoulder and turned his face so that Sirius couldn't see it anymore. Sirius stroked his back slowly, reassuringly, feeling the trembling of heavy feelings storming inside the other boy.

 

"There's nothing to be afraid of," Sirius murmured. "You can tell me anything."

 

Remus took a deep breath and then, in surprisingly calm voice, said: "Remember when I told you about the camp I am going to this summer?"

 

"Yeah," said Sirius, confused a little about what that had to do with anything, but he kept stroking Remus' back. "You said it was for 'people like you', like blind people. To make friends and learn how to integrate yourselves to the society and we told you that it would be total bullshit, because what good would it be for you since it was all for muggles and how to mingle with muggles. You are a wizard and there are so many spells you already know that help you around, so most of what could be learnt there would be waste of your time."

 

"I agree, I don't think it'll be of any use, but my parents are adamant about me going there," said Remus quietly. "But I lied to you. Or dunno. Let you guys think your assumptions were correct when you asked if it was for blind people. It's not."

 

Sirius blinked. "Er, what is it then for? For werewolf kids?"

 

Remus shook his head, still leaning against Sirius and trembling slightly. "I- I told my parents during the Christmas break something, and- I didn't need to see their faces to know that it just broke their hearts. I mean, dad said, 'isn't it enough that I am a blind werewolf', that- why-" Remus shook his head. "But then they thought that finally, this would be something that _could_ be fixed, and mum went and bought all these _books_ , and dad started to rave about these camps he had heard about from his coworker, and I promised them that I would at least try and get over it-"

 

Sirius interrupted him gently, but firmly, "Moony, I have no clue what you are talking about. Please tell before my imagination can run any wilder with this - are you a vampire now too? What?"

 

Remus snorted, and it was such a mirthless little snort that it twisted Sirius' heart a little. "I'm gay. Freaking gay, blind werewolf."

 

"Huh," said Sirius intelligently.

 

Was he supposed to say that this was a big surprise? He wasn't that good of an actor. He had thought they had both been on the same page on their dancing-around-each-other-and-waiting-for-the-right-moment. Maybe not. Maybe it had been just Sirius who had thought so.

 

"I hate my fucking life," said Remus quietly.

 

"Well," said Sirius. "Um. Is that what has been bothering you?"

 

Remus sighed. "Kind of. I mean, I know it's not that big of a deal, at least compared to everything else, but..."

 

"It's not," said Sirius decisively. "And you are not going to go to any brainwashing camps. If your parents try to insist on it, Potters will just have to adopt you too."

 

Remus shook his head. "Pads... My parents aren't like yours were. They try to do this only because they care about me. They worry and they want to... fix me."

 

"That's where they always go so wrong, because you have never needed any fixing for anything. So they are making you go to that camp full of strange people all alone and have your hysterics without anyone there who knows what's happening and how to help you calm down? Because they _care?_ "

 

"Yes. Because they think it's a chance to make me just a slightly less of a misfit and possibly get me a chance to not spend my whole life alone."

 

Sirius hugged him tighter and rested his face against Remus' hair, taking a deep breath. "Well they are idiots," he murmured. "And you are a daft bugger. You are not going to spend your whole life alone. There are plenty of people who would love to snatch you away and keep you to themselves, gay or not." _Although the 'gay' part d_ _oes_ _help_ , Sirius added in his mind.

 

"Well there is this one particular idiot who keeps saying stuff like that, but I'm never too sure how serious he is about it," Remus muttered against his shoulder, but Sirius could hear the amusement in his voice.

 

Maybe he hadn't been mistaken in his assumption that they had been roughly on the same page. Sirius felt his heart flipping a little, dangerously.

 

"You should know that the idiot can't help it but always be serious," Sirius murmured against Remus' hair and kissed lightly the top of his head.

 

"Mhm. Maybe I should know - I have never seen him be anything but very, very serious," said Remus.

 

Sirius snickered like a stupid little first year, and his hand found its way to Remus' neck, where it caressed the warm skin and played with the tips of Remus' hair. "Have kept a close eye on me, have you?"

 

He felt happy, like they were finally where they had meant to be for a long time; this was all so new and yet all so familiar - just like them, just like the countless times they had sat together and talked and joked or told stories to each others in the darkness of the nights until they fell asleep - and he didn't even feel nervous - this was just the next step on the road they had been on for a long time now - he felt just lightheaded and content and yes, there were butterflies in his stomach, but they were happy butterflies.

 

"I've tried," deadpanned Remus against his shoulder. "But I think something bright and serious made me go blind a long time ago."

 

 _This fe_ _els_ _right_ , Sirius thought, and he turned to cup Remus' head in his hands and kissed him gently, slowly, savoring it when it finally was happening, and that felt even more right, like everything in the universe finally made sense and the world could end there and Sirius wouldn't even care, because every story could have a happy ending if it was ended in the right place, and Sirius thought that their story could hardly ever get a happier place to end than here, on his bed, inside the warm and safe dormitory, with just the two of them, far away from the real world and its complexities.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! :) 
> 
> You can also find me at mirgaxus.tumblr.com.


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